


The Man in Black

by MsMxyzptlk



Category: Alex Wolff - Fandom
Genre: Alex Wolff - Freeform, Depression, F/M, Freeform, I don't know exactly what "freeform" means in fanfic, If I'm wrong in this case please let me know, Suicidal Ideation, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-19
Updated: 2017-01-19
Packaged: 2018-09-18 12:06:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9384260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsMxyzptlk/pseuds/MsMxyzptlk
Summary: The Man in Black is not Johnny Cash or the guy in "Westworld." This is he: http://www.julianantetomaso.com/bello-magazine-/





	

**Author's Note:**

> The Man in Black is not Johnny Cash or the guy in "Westworld." This is he: http://www.julianantetomaso.com/bello-magazine-/

He stood at the side of my bed, his eyelashes shadowing his face like tiny, shiny feathers. The thin dark hairs of his chest tantalized me from the collar of his light gray T-shirt; his black leather jacket glowed at the edges with the moon’s light. His shiny dark curls and light beard promised comfort, as if he were a animal made for cuddling.

My hands reached for him, but he gripped them and held them back. The corners of his lips turned up ruefully.

“Not yet.” His voice was soft, but it cut through the air like a fine blade.

“Please...” Warm tears rolled down my cheeks. I wanted him, needed him more than I’d ever needed anything in my life.

“You know the ticket.”

I did. Actually, I knew ten of them. Pale blue ovals, lying in wait inside a small plastic cylinder with a white cap, hiding beneath my underwear in a drawer.

In order to enjoy the embrace of this man in black, I would have to swallow those pills.

And then, he would take me into the loving warmth of his arms and take me away from this awful life.

What was I waiting for?

* * *

If you could see me on the outside, my life doesn’t look that awful at all.

I live in a nice, roomy New York City apartment with my mom and dad and fifteen-year-old brother, who treat me well almost always. I’m a senior at a decent high school, have a few friends, and there’s even a cute guy who might like me.

But all of my blessings don’t touch me.

I feel sad.

So sad I can actually feel my heart breaking inside my ribcage. So sad that my arms and legs feel like they are each attached to a lead chain with a ball at the end. So sad that I move through life as if I were already a ghost.

I never tell anyone how I really feel. How could I? Either they’re happy and don’t need to be brought down by my mess, or they’re sad themselves and I don’t feel I should burden them any more.

Well...there is someone I do “talk” to. That is the Man in Black. He comes to my bedroom as soon as the lights are out. He says things that make perfect sense.

“A girl like you shouldn’t have to suffer this way.”

“I long to take you away from this.”

“Only I can help you.”

Less often, I saw him during the day. Sometimes he kneeled close to me in class.

“This life sucks so hard. What’s in it for you? What’s the use of growing up, going to a boring college, meeting boring new people, taking a boring job that doesn’t mean shit, marrying a boring man and having a few boring children to start the whole shitty cycle again? Break this vicious circle. Come with me.”

Sometimes, I’d see him on the sidewalk as I looked down from our fifth-floor window. He would lift his arms.

“Jump,” he said. “Just jump.”

He was the one who suggested I buy ten Xanax, though it took me time to find out who the campus dealer was.

The Man in Black would not let me get too close to him, though. Every time I reached out for him, every time I tried to lean into his inviting chest, he’d pull away from me.

“Not yet,” he’d say. “You have to cross over first.”

Crossing over meant taking the pills.

So why haven’t I done it already?

I had only one reason. A tall, skinny reason with dark curls shaped like springs.

Alex wasn’t a boyfriend. He was a friend-friend. Very sweet and playful. He was the one real person who could even lift the corners of my mouth, whether it was showing me how to play hacky sack or texting me a joke he couldn’t dare say out loud. To me, it was a miracle to see someone be so cheerful.

When I saw him, I held my happy mask in front of me. He accepted it, and I was relieved. He was so kind, so lovely. He didn’t deserve to have the slimy, dank mess of my depression touch him.

“Hey, boo.” He called everyone “boo,” boys and girls alike. “How ya doin’?”

“All right. Trying not to look at the clock.”

“If you see the clock, it slows...down...like...thiiiiisssss.”

A tiny laugh escaped from my mouth.

“Have any plans for Saturday night?”

“No.” I almost never had any plans at all, except “hanging out” with the Man in Black.

“I’m having a small party at my place. Wanna come?”

I looked into his sweet, simple, smiling face. A face that you couldn’t refuse.

“Sure.”

* * *

I didn’t know why I agreed to go to the party.

Yes, Alex invited me to his home, also an apartment high above the sidewalk. It was the first time he had done it. But I was nowhere near a party mood.

I sat on a single chair, staring into a red cup filled halfway with water, because I had no appetite. I thought about the secrets in my purse. The ten little pale blue secrets.

“Take them with you wherever you go,” the Man in Black had told me. “You never know when you’ll be ready.”

He was here with me. Naturally. He kneeled by my side and put his lips as close to my ear as possible.

“I want you. I want you so much. I can’t wait for the moment when I can hold you.”

Now he moved so I was face-to-face with him.

“No one will miss you in this world. But I can give you everything.”

Alex came over and stood in front of me.

“You okay, boo?” he asked me.

I was far from it. But there was only one way to answer.

“Yes.”

He pulled up a chair and sat next to me. I could feel the Man in Black backing off, reluctantly.

“You have this mysterious look on your face.” Alex lifted his eyebrows in concern. “As if you can see something that the rest of us can’t.”

How could I answer that?

“Um...maybe I see ghosts?”

_What the fuck. That’s not even funny._

Alex opened his mouth to speak, but a girl’s voice interrupted him.

“Hey, Alex!”

The girl was tall, thin, and blonde, and far cuter than me. She wore a short pink sleeveless dress, and I wore a plain white T-shirt and a dark blue skirt.

“Come here, I want to show you something.”

Alex smiled weakly at me and followed the blonde girl into another room.

_Of course he didn’t choose me. Of course._

_And why would he? When he says something profound, I respond with some stupid shit about ghosts. I had nothing, nothing to offer._

“I knew it.”

The Man in Black returned to my side.

“He doesn’t care about you. But I do.”

He opened his arms toward me.

“Are you ready now? Are you ready to be my bride?”

Through the doorway to the next room, I saw Alex and the blonde girl sitting next to each other at a dining table, laughing at something on a smartphone.

I looked up at the Man in Black. Tears melted his image, but I know he was looking down with kindness just the same.

The only kindness in my world.

“ _Yes_.”

* * *

The Man in Black led me to a bedroom. A boy’s bedroom, filled with skateboards, posters of music stars and video game images, and clothes strewn on the bed and floor.

“Is this...his bedroom?” I asked.

“Yes. I think it would be fitting if he found your body here. It would show him exactly what he lost.”

“That sounds...cruel.”

“Do not worry too much about his feelings. He is just a boy. Like all boys, he has a small heart. Yes, it could break if you went away – but only a little, and it will heal very quickly. He’ll forget all about you, someday...it is me who will be with you always. Now take the pills.”

The Man in Black’s voice, usually soothing, now came out rough, even impatient.

I opened my purse and found the plastic bottle. I popped open the lid and let them fall into my hand.

“Do it.”

I stared at the tiny blue ovals. They would be the end of this life...and the beginning of another.

“Do it now – don’t listen to your cowardice.”

“I’m sorry, Alex.”

I put one of the pills into my mouth. Two. Three. I washed them down with my water. Four. Five. Six. More water.

The Man in Black had a maniacal smile on his face, as if he were preparing to laugh.

Seven. Eight. Nine.

My bones turned to rubber. I fell to the floor, letting the tenth Xanax go.

The Man in Black kneeled down. He wrapped his long arms around me – finally! – and touched his lips to mine.

I tried to open my eyes to see his beautiful face, but I could only lift the lids halfway.

_Wait._

_He’s not really kissing me._

_He’s sucking the breath out of my body. Sucking me into oblivion._

_He never wanted to be with me. He wanted to consume me. To make me fuel, so he can command the strength to seduce the next sad girl._

I tried to lift my arms to stop him, but I couldn’t. The body I had despised was becoming useless – and now I wanted nothing more than to get it back.

The bedroom door opened, bringing light into the room. An anguished scream tore through the air.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH HER?”

The Man in Black dropped me on the floor. I could not move, but I could hear furniture falling, glass breaking, two male voices snarling and cursing at each other.

“Who the hell are you?” cried Alex. “Why are you hurting this beautiful girl? We don’t need you around here! Get the fuck out! Out! OUT!”

My eyelids came down, turning the world off.

* * *

I opened my eyelids.

Repeat: I opened my eyelids.

I lay in a small hospital bed, covered with a cobalt blue blanket and a white sheet. An intravenous feeding tube stuck out from my arm.

My mouth felt like it had just spat out steel wool. My head felt like it was stuck in a tightly screwed vise. My limbs felt weak and barely functional.

But...I was alive.

_Alive._

No word ever felt so beautiful to me.

I looked around. Every flat surface was covered in flowers and cards.

People _would_ have missed me in this world.

And the Man in Black almost took everything.

The door opened. I lifted my head. A nurse came in.

“Good afternoon,” she said. “Are you up for a visitor?”

“S-sure.”

Alex followed close behind. He wore a blue denim jacket over a red-and-white striped T-shirt and indigo skinny jeans. He had combed his hair as flat as possible. He carried a small paper bag with handles.

When he saw me awake, he ran up to the bed and sat down on the edge to look into my eyes.

“Are you okay, boo?” he asked, eagerly.

I looked up at him. His own eyes were red, the skin around them puffy – but they shone with happiness. Those same eyes would be pouring down a storm of tears if the Man in Black had succeeded.

“I’m okay, Alex. As okay as I can be.”

“I’m so glad I caught you in time! If I’d been a few minutes later...”

“But you weren’t. You saved my life.” Now tears formed in my eyes. “Thank you.”

Alex reached into the paper bag and took out a bright pink stuffed kitten with huge plastic green eyes. The kitten had a plush red heart tied around its neck. On the heart was stitched these three words: I Love You.

“Alex.” I reached my hand to pet the kitten’s head. “You do?”

“Ever since I saw your face in English class last year.”

“Last year?”

“Yup.”

“But...what about that...blonde girl at the party I saw you with?”

“She’s my cousin, visiting from Philadelphia. She has a boyfriend in college.”

I nearly threw away my life – and a future with Alex – because of a simple misunderstanding. A misunderstanding that wouldn’t have happened if only I’d had the courage to just ask questions.

I started to cry harder. Alex wrapped his arms around me. They felt so good, so real.

“Alex, I’m so sorry! I almost ruined everything, because I was stupid and selfish!”

“You’re not stupid or selfish. You were just under the influence of the Man in Black, who lied to you.”

“He said...he said that you had a shallow heart. That it might crack a little, but would heal quickly.”

Alex sighed, and took my hands in his.

“My heart wouldn’t have just cracked if you had died. It would have a giant hole in it. A hole shaped like you. A hole that would never, ever have closed and healed. I’d spend the rest of my life looking for you, my sweet angel...”

Not once had the Man in Black told me he loved me.

“I want to be by your side when you get out – if you’ll let me.”

“Oh, Alex. Of course, I will!”

“I know that the darkness that had its claws in you won’t go away overnight – not even when faced with love. We don’t live in a Nickelodeon sitcom, you know. But I want to do what I can. I want to help.”

“Thank you, Alex. I love you, too.”

I squeezed his hand.

Alex let out a tiny squeal – and then he kissed me.

On the lips.

I shivered as his tender mouth connected with mine. A bloom of daisies grew inside my heart, in the place that had been slimy and dank. 

Yes.

I could live.

I _would_ live.

**Author's Note:**

> As I was developing, writing and typing this story, my whole body hurt and tears fell from my eyes. Yes, depression hurts all over. And it will lie to you, just like the Man in Black. If you are suffering, please get the help you need.


End file.
